My sister thought I was in a cult, and I’m not sure she was wrong

Why did she think that? I’m not sure. I know it had something to do with the Word of Faith movement. At the time, I had a great uncle who had Alzheimer’s. Everybody was saying there was no cure, which medically was true. If you’re in the Word of Faith, you don’t accept no cure. Your answer is, “Oh yes, there is. Faith in Jesus Christ.”

One of my word of faith teachers preached on using fasting to increase the power of your prayer. The text came from Isaiah 58. By the way, spoiler alert. That’s not what Isaiah 58 says when you read it in context. This teacher that I thought was just so brilliant and so anointed and just spoke the uncompromised Word of God, yeah, he took it out of context, like just about every other Bible verse he preached. But I didn’t know that at the time.

And I was thinking I was the only one who believed in the power of faith to heal. Everyone else believed, “Yeah God can heal, but you don’t know if it is God’s will.” And I’d be like, “Well, Isaiah 53:5 says, But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. (Isa 53:5 KJV)

1 Peter 2:24 says, Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. (KJV)

Note: I’m using the King James Version because when I was in the Word of Faith movement, it was the preferred translation. It is not necessarily the most accurate. More on that in future posts.

They taught and still teach if you belong to Christ, the Bible says Jesus’ death didn’t just bring you forgiveness of sins. It’s not just about the sweet by and by. It’s about the rotten stinking here and now. You can have peace of mind and healing for your body along with forgiveness for your sins. Why settle for one when you can have all three?

If it says it in the Bible, then it is God’s will. If you can find a verse in the Bible that says you have it, it’s yours. If you find a promise in the Bible, you can claim it. And if you do that in faith, and believe and do not doubt, and don’t believe the lies of the Devil that you are sick when the Bible says you’re well, God will have no choice but to give you what to ask. That is what I learned from the Word of Faith on how to get your prayers answered yes.

With all the focus on health and wealth, it can sound selfish. This wasn’t selfish. My great uncle had Alzheimer’s, and it was ravaging his brain. He needed to be healed. I had one side telling me we don’t know if it’s God’s will to heal your uncle. I had another side telling me it is always God’s will to heal, because the Bible says so.

People’s Temple cult leader, Jim Jones, in sunglasses and priest’s collar.
Not “Word of Faith, “ but definitely a cult leader. Rev. Jim Jones at an anti-eviction rally Sunday, January 16, 1977 in front of the International Hotel, Kearny and Jackson Streets, San Francisco Photo by Nancy Wong

It sounds like a no-brainer, but I didn’t know anyone else who believed this. There weren’t any full gospel churches (as “true believers” called it). But inevitably, there will come a time when you pray for yourself and someone, and they don’t get healed. How can that be if God promised it? It’s because either you didn’t know about the promise of God, or you didn’t believe that God would heal you or whoever you prayed for. Those are pretty much the only reasons. It’s never because it wasn’t God’s will, because it is always God’s will to heal.

If it is to be, is it up to me?

I was the only one in my immediate family who believed this way. Therefore, I was the only one who could exercise faith to get my uncle healed. If it was going to happen it had to be through me, through my faith and my belief. And I needed all the help I could get. My favorite televangelist preached on this passage on Isaiah 58.

Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke? (Isa 58:6 KJV)

So fasting will supposedly release you from bands of Satan and break every yoke the Devil has put on you.

Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy rereward. (Isa 58:8 KJV)

There it is, thine health shall spring forth speedily, because you fasted. And Daniel once fasted for 21 days, the angel arrived and gave him the answer he wanted (Dan 10:1–11:39). And then he would tell stories about himself or other big names in the Word of Faith when they fasted because they weren’t getting their prayers answered, or some stubborn demon wouldn’t leave, and they would be saved, delivered, and healed because they were super-charged with the power of the Holy Ghost. So I thought that was what I needed to do.

One weekend, I came home from college. My sister and I were there. My parents had gone away, and we were supposed to call Domino’s or Pizza Hut to get a pizza or something for dinner. But I can’t eat. I’m fasting so I could focus my prayers for uncle Raymond. So I told my sister that I wouldn’t be eating anything for dinner, so she could get whatever she wanted. She kind of freaked out. In fact, anytime I fasted, none of them took it well. I’m like, “What? Like this hasn’t been a common religious practice, not only in Christianity but Judaism and Islam and Buddhism for thousands of years?”

I thought she was overreacting. But like I said, I was deep into this Word of Faith doctrine. And if I remember correctly, she had just recently seen a movie about people who got sucked into a cult. That’s how it always works with a cult, you know, you kind of get sucked into it. They seem to have all the answers you seek. They may not be correct, but they’re easy to understand, and they’re easy to believe, and they appear to make sense out of your life. When I listened to this one teacher, I felt like he was pulling back the veil and revealing the glories and mysteries of the heavenly realms.

The other shoe always drops

And so, you think you are getting the truth from them, and you can’t get it from anyone else. Or maybe, like me, you thought they could teach you how to have supernatural gifts and manifestations of God, just like you read about in the Bible. You end up doing things you wouldn’t normally do in the name of your faith.

She had watched me for years with my, shall we say, eccentric ideas about God and religion and faith. So I’m guessing it wasn’t just what I said about fasting and praying for our uncle to be healed that she was reacting to. I think she had been worried about this for a while, and this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

So she called the pastor of the Presbyterian Church the rest of the family attended. My Word of Faith teachers called churches like this “one of those dead churches, stuck with their dead religion that care more about their dead traditions than they do about the Bible. And that’s why they don’t get their prayers answered, and then they say it’s the will of God. It wasn’t the will of God. They don’t believe the Bible.” Yeah, that was their standard answer basically to everything that was wrong with denominational churches. So, if I wanted help getting my prayers answered, I knew I couldn’t get any help from that pastor.

Gothic church with many spires and statues on top of each
Anyone want that “old time religion”? Photo by Alessandro Cavestro on Unsplash

Poor guy. He just had no chance with me at the time. I mean, they were promising me miracles and supernatural manifestations of the Holy Spirit with power. And that church was telling me I could pray, but it was really up to God.

But she called him and said, “I think my brother is in a cult.” She even wanted to have me kidnapped and deprogrammed. I guess she had seen that in the movie. She had told me this years ago, but she never told me what he said to her. I just knew that somehow he had talked her out of the whole kidnapping and deprogramming idea.

But I found out what he said, and I wish I had known back then, because I would have respected him a lot more. She and her husband came to visit. Down here — this was so cool — It was in February of 2020, and in our little town, the oldest venue there is the Opera House. And we were hosting Jeremy’s 10, a Pearl Jam tribute band. So I called my brother-in-law (or maybe texted him) and I was like, “You want to see a Pearl Jam tribute band?”

And he was like, “Do they really sound like them?”

“I think so.” I sent him some links from their website.

Wisdom in action

So they came down for the weekend. He and I went to see them, and my wife and sister had their fun just hanging out and talking about whatever sisters-in-law talk about when they get together. They watched a couple of episodes of Cold Case. I didn’t watch that when it first came out, but my wife and I ended up watching the whole thing on Roku.

Anyway, during that weekend she brought up that incident, and I finally found out what he had said to her. He asked her what was happening that made her think I was in a cult. After she explained it, he said, “It doesn’t sound like he’s a danger to himself or to you. If that changes, call me.”

I did a video and post earlier on what I think makes a good pastor. It’s not comprehensive. It was just a few thoughts off the top of my head, because where I am now the pastor is getting ready to retire, and he’s been really good. One of the things I am learning more and more is how important wisdom is for any kind of leadership, and how rare it is. So it is really important for a pastor to have wisdom, because you’re going to be getting calls like what my sister did that night. And you’re going to have to help them navigate not just theological territory that is confusing for them. You’re going to have to help them navigate emotional and family situations that come up and are scary. And his answer was perfect wisdom. He didn’t dismiss her concerns, and he had the wisdom to recognize the most important question is not, “Is he in a cult?” but “Is he a danger to himself or others?” Because even if she was right, I don’t think anyone could have convinced me I was in a cult. In my mind, I was in the Truth (with a capital T).

My family in general did not know how to handle this. That’s because no one knew about it back then. There was nothing to prepare them or guide them in dealing with a son or brother who swallowed this strange new theology hook, line, and sinker. Word of Faith back then was new to a lot of people, and I think because I had these strange ideas that were coming from someone who claimed to speak the Word of God, which of course meant you couldn’t question it in any way, it looked like a cult.

What is “the Word of God”?

And speaking the word of God did not just mean quoting scripture. Sometimes, they would even start speaking words from God directly, punctuating them with “says the LORD,” or “says your God,” so you know it’s not the preacher speaking now. It’s God. That was so exciting. I wanted to be able to access God directly like that. How can your Presbyterian church compete with that?

These days, you hear people talking all the time about the Prosperity Gospel. Well, Word of Faith was Prosperity Gospel before Prosperity Gospel. Our pastor did try to address it in one sermon. But even he didn’t understand why it had a hold on me and why it can have a hold on anyone, especially if you have a heart that wants to please God. And I doubt any of his classes in seminary taught him how to counter this false gospel.

He said at one point, “Nowhere in the Bible does God promise health and wealth and success if you have faith,” or something along those lines. Well, if it were that simple to refute, I would have left it a long time ago. But when people said something like that, I would think, “What do you mean nowhere in the Bible does it say that?” And I could roll off a whole bunch of scriptures that said just that, like, Isaiah 53:5 “By his stripes we are healed.” There’s the promise of healing. First Peter 2:24 promises forgiveness of sins and healing of the body. Protection from harm? Psalm 91. Healing for your loved one? Psalm 107: 20. He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions (KJV). When I pray for my uncle, God is sending his word to heal him and deliver him from destruction.

Prosperity? 3 John verse 2. Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. (KJV). Okay, so there’s prosperity and health right there.

Abraham was rich because God blessed him (Gen 13:1–2). And Galatians 3:13–14 says,

Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us: for it is written, Cursed is every one that hangeth on a tree: That the blessing of Abraham might come on the Gentiles through Jesus Christ; that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith. (Gal 3:14 KJV)

Jesus died on the cross, so that the blessing of Abraham might come on the Gentiles. Well, that means if Abraham was rich, I have a right to be rich. I am entitled to any blessing God gave Abraham, because I belong to Christ. If it says it in the Bible, you have a right to it.

And people would say, you know, “God answers prayers, but sometimes the answer is no.” The Word of Faith said, if it’s promised in the Bible, don’t take no for an answer. God is looking for people who will challenge dead traditions, who will not take no for an answer, who will believe the Bible, who will take God at His word and believe it above all circumstances, above their symptoms, above what the doctor says, above how they feel, above their bank account, above everything, seen and unseen, that contradicts it. David believed in God more than he believed in the size of the giant, and God gave him victory because of it. That’s the kind of faith you need to have if you want to get your prayers answered. And if you don’t have that kind of faith, don’t expect any answer except No. If you’re happy with God saying No, believe that old time traditional church teaching. If you want to know how to get God to answer yes, listen to us.

Eventually, I found a “full gospel” church (that’s what Word of Faith folks liked to call themselves) that preached this message. The pastor one time was like, “‘Well, brother, we hope and pray…’ God already said in his word, knuckle head! I didn’t mean that! I didn’t mean that! I apologize! I was talking to myself.”

So we had a good laugh out of it, but that was basically the attitude we were taught to have. When you pray for something that is already promised in the Bible, you don’t hope and pray. You don’t pray, “If it be thy will.” If it wasn’t God’s will, God wouldn’t have put it in the Bible.

Of course, now I know that all came from quoting the Bible out of context. In order to maintain that belief, you have to ignore verses like,

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: (1Jo 5:14 KJV)

See, there’s the rub. If was ask anything according to his will, he hears us. There were situations where even Jesus did not heal every sick person he saw. There is no guarantee that if you pray for healing, it is according to God’s will. Or this?

Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that. (Jam 4:13–15 KJV)

They say praying If the Lord will shows a lack of faith. Yet that is exactly what James says to do, and it is in keeping with the Wisdom literature of the Old Testament. And all their prosperity talk does not explain this verse.

Hearken, my beloved brethren, Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? (Jam 2:5 KJV)

What does that say about all those claims that if you are rich and making a lot of money, it’s because God is blessing you?

I think I will say this a thousand times if the Lord lets me live that long. The Bible is only the word of God when it is rightly read, rightly interpreted, and rightly applied. And rightly doing all that begins with three things: Context, context, and context. But I didn’t know that then.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck

So I don’t know how much of the specifics my sister knew, but she knew I followed some televangelists who did not pass the smell test. And she had seen enough I guess that when I talked about fasting so that I can pray for our uncle like it was under my control — that I could make it happen because of my faith, regardless of whether it was God’s will or not — then she couldn’t help thinking I needed serious help. She was right about that. I’m still not sure if it was a cult, but I needed help. The problem was I don’t think anyone knew — me least of all — what kind of help I needed.

Word of Faith, or Prosperity Gospel, I don’t believe is a cult, because there isn’t one authoritative figure that everyone follows. I was never part of an isolated community like the Jim Jones cult. Their theology is strange and a different gospel, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are a cult. However, it is possible that they have adopted standard cult methods of mind control to manipulate true believers, like I once was, to do their bidding. Looking back, especially at that one teacher and self-proclaimed prophet I followed more than any other, I think I was manipulated. So that’s why I say I’m not sure my sister was wrong.

In case you haven’t guessed, my uncle was never healed of his Alzheimer’s. But I carried that burden of trying to “believe for his healing” for years. Thank God by the time he died, at least I had finally learned that it wasn’t because I lacked faith.

The reason I’m talking about these experiences is it’s the only chance I have to help others recognize bad religion. Whether I was in a cult or not, I have seen many ways religion can hurt people. If anything about my experience sounds familiar to you, maybe you should reconsider whether you are on the right path. If you want to know more, or you know you need help but don’t know where to turn, the International Cult Studies Association’s website is a good place to start. ICSA — Founded 1979 (icsahome.com)

In my next post, I will go through a “cult checklist” to see just how cult-like my experience was.

WRITTEN BYDavid Anderson

David Anderson is a multi-passionate author of fiction and nonfiction. His latest book is Dark Nights of the Soul: Reflections on Faith and the Depressed Brain.

More from David Anderson

Jan 16

The 49ers “Won” Super Bowl LIV

Would you like to take a little stroll down Memory Lane to a time before the Covid lockdowns? I thought so. Super Bowl LIV was exciting because the Chiefs struggled for three and a half quarters. The odds against them were staggering, but they did not give up. And in the last seven-and-a-half minutes, we finally got to see Patrick Mahomes going all Patrick Mahomes! They went on a tear and won 31–20. That kind of never-give-up attitude was admirable, and they could not have won without it. In football, as in politics, it is admirable to never give up while there is still time on the clock. …Read more · 8 min read


Jan 11

400 Prophets Can’t Be Wrong! Or Can They? Part 2

In the last post, we began a story about Ahab, King of Israel, in 1 Kings 22. At some point, the Arameans had taken a city called Ramoth-gilead from Israel, but the two kings reached a truce. They were at peace for three years, but Ahab wanted to take that city back. Of course, if the king of Aram defeated him before, it would not be easy, so he enlisted the help of Jehoshaphat, king of Judah. As kings would normally do before going into battle, they inquired for a word of Yahweh. …Read more · 17 min read


Jan 11

400 Prophets Can’t Be Wrong! Or Can They? Part 1

I had written this post before the incidents of January 6. Ironically, that is Epiphany, the day many churches celebrate the visit of the wise men. But it looked like wisdom decided to take a holiday from Washington, D.C. I don’t have a lot to say that hasn’t already been said. But I will say my goal as a Christian is to follow Jesus’ commands, specifically, “Love your neighbor as yourself”, “Do unto others as you would have them to do you”, “Love one another as I have loved you”, “Love your enemies”, and “Turn the other cheek.” I don’t see any way to reconcile that with insurrection, terrorism, and storming the Capitol to stop our democracy from doing what it has done since 1789. But what do I know? …Read more · 12 min read


Jan 1

What Happened When God Lost an Election?

Some of my Christian brothers and sisters are disappointed with the results of the election. Well, disappointed is an understatement. To be honest, I’ve been disturbed at their inability to accept reality. I mean, the electoral college has met, and Biden has 306 electoral votes to Trump’s 228. That’s about the same margin of victory as Trump had over Clinton in 2016. I know denial is one of the stages of grief, but at some point you have to move on to acceptance. You will never recover from this if you don’t accept reality. …Read more · 12 min read

1


Dec 25, 2020

Who Were the Magi?

In the time of King Herod, after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from the East came to Jerusalem,

(Mat 2:1 NRSV)

The Greek word for “wise men” is magoi, the plural of magus. It may read “magi”, “kings”, or “wise men,” depending on your translation. The word is usually more closely associated with magic than royalty or wisdom, so magi seems the most accurate. Gingrich’s Lexicon says it can mean “wise men” or “astrologers.” Friberg’s Lexicon says it refers to the high priestly caste of Persia. Thayer’s Lexicon says it was a name the Babylonians, Medes, and Persians used to refer to “wise men, teachers, priests, physicians, astrologers, seers, interpreters of dreams, augurs, soothsayers, sorcerers etc.” …

Seinfeld meme: "Hey!!! Six Feet Mr. Close Talker!

Vlog

In my newsletter, I mentioned an online resource where you can create memes. There doesn’t seem to be a name for it, Here’s a public service announcement (PSA) from Seinfeld about the Coronavirus.

Seinfeld meme: "Hey!!! Six Feet Mr. Close Talker!
Coronavirus PSA from Seinfeld

I am putting the blog on hiatus to focus on other things. One thing is I’ve experimented with a few videos uploaded to YouTube. I’m using scripts I wrote for a Podcast, which I still want to do. But after a few tries, it seems these videos are easier to crank out. That will leave me more time to work on fiction and prepare to release my ancient Rome novel. I’m looking at July right now. So the blog now will be a Vlog. So far, the episodes are part of a series I’m calling “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus.” Here are the links if you want to check them out.

The new title for my YouTube channel is Almost Ordained. You can view the channel here.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_3aPEDwCIxCAtBoDPA4tAg/

Now here are my most recent videos.


Am I a Satan Worshipper?”

My response to a Word of Faith preacher. You know who you are. “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus” series.

Why the Coronavirus Is Not an Idol

A comparison between the Coronavirus and the golden image of Daniel ch.apter 3. One is an idol. One is not. “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus” series.

1. Everyone knew where Nebuchadnezzar’s image was. Where is the Coronavirus image we are supposed to worship?

2. No one is worshiping the Coronavirus. Not in the US or anywhere in the world.

3. No one is commanded to bow down to the Coronavirus or an image of it.

4. If you didn’t bow down to Nebuchadnezzar’s image, what would the image do to you? Nothing. The king would have you thrown into a fiery furnace. But the image itself could do nothing. It had no life of its own. It had no power of its own. The only power it had was what people gave it through belief, superstition, law, or fear.

5. Does the Coronavirus have life and power of its own? Yes, it does. A virus of any kind is a living organism. Much simpler than a human, but it does have life of its own. It doesn’t need the government to give it power. It has power of its own to make you sick and kill you, no matter what the government or you say about it. That is how you know it is NOT an idol.

6. If you did not worship the image, what was the punishment? Death in a fiery furnace. That is persecution. If you don’t follow the rules of social distancing, what is the punishment? If you are caught, you might get a warning and a fine. If you are a repeat offender, they might put you in jail, though they’d probably rather not, since social distancing in a prison is already a challenge. No government official is handing out the death penalty for social distancing violations. That is not persecution. That is protecting the public health and promoting the general welfare, things the government is supposed to do.

7. Who or what would kill you in Daniel’s time if you failed to worship the idol? The government. Who or what will kill you if you catch the Coronavirus? The virus will make you sick and maybe kill you. If you have to go to the hospital, you’d better pray they have enough ventilators. Whatever the virus does to you, it’s all because of the virus. The government has nothing to do with it.

Philippians 4:13 and the Coronavirus

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” What does that really mean? Particularly, what does it mean for living with “shelter in place”? “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus” series.

The False Prophets of COVID-19

How the progress of Coronavirus is proving many so-called prophets don’t know what they are talking about. If we are to find encouragement from our faith, it has to be apart from them. “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus” series.

Snake!”

This was my most popular blog post of all time. My wife and I got a surprise visitor on Palm Sunday. “Faith in a Time of Coronavirus” series.

rough looking kitty meme, "When you had a rough day but are trying to stay positive"

My Fourth Principle for Recovery: Getting the Right Help, Part 2

In my last post, I introduced my fourth principle for recovery: With the right help, you can live a happy and fulfilling life. For most depressed people, getting the right help begins with testing. I talked about standard testing for depression in the last post. If your depression is bad enough, you may need testing for more specific types. At my mother and sister’s suggestion, I got tested for clinical depression. At the time, I don’t think the standard tests I’ve read about would have caught it in my case, so I’m glad I took their advice.

Getting Tested for Clinical Depression Was Different

If you are considering getting tested for clinical depression, I can tell you a few things you probably won’t find online. I won’t give away too much. Part of the effectiveness of the testing comes from going in fresh. But in many ways it was not what I expected.

It Was Not Talk Therapy or Psycho-Therapy

It did not involve talking about my emotions or childhood. It did not involve my history, or how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks, or trying to determine if there’s a particular reason for depression, or if it is just always there regardless of any reason. Someone observing would not have thought it had anything to do with depression. The psychologist (I say psychologist, but I don’t know exactly what his title was) gave me various tasks to do and questions to answer. After each task, he asked why I did it that way or why I concluded what I did.

The only thing I recognized as “psychiatric” was the Rorschach inkblot test. You’ve probably seen it on TV. They show an inkblot, and you tell them what it looks like. On TV, they usually say a bat or a rabbit or something simple. My answers were much more elaborate. In fact afterwards, I asked if I could get copies of them, because I thought I saw scenes that could be used in a fantasy or sci-fi story. Turns out they are copyrighted, a trade secret, or something like that. In other words, they’re not available to the public.

It Takes More Time

With the standard question-and-answer tests I’ve seen, I can’t imagine them taking long. That kind of testing was made for something more general. It is one step in a process for your doctor to determine if you need treatment for depression or something else. The test I took was to look specifically for clinical depression. It took around two or maybe three hours. The time it takes for each person varies, because there is no time limit for the tasks. So if you took the kind of test you see online, and it only took a few minutes, that was not a test for clinical depression. There is a difference between situational depression, which usually does not take long to identify, and clinical depression.

Trust the Process

Like I said, you might not see what the questions and tasks you’re given have to do with depression. Clinical depression is not about how you feel or how you’ve been feeling the last two weeks or more. It is a condition of the brain. One thing about your brain. It is always with you no matter where you go, what you do, what’s happening to you, or who you’re with. Your brain is unique. But if you have clinical depression, it is there in your brain. And just like your brain, it is always with you, no matter how you feel. Even if you don’t feel depressed at this time in your life, you still could have clinical depression.

After the process was over, I realized the tasks and questions the psychologist gave were designed to give him a window into how my brain works. That is the only way to detect clinical depression. Somehow, the psychologist has to see your brain at work, how it processes information, and how it responds to various challenges and stimuli. That’s why he asked me to explain my thought processes each step of the way. Each answer gave him a little more data about how my brain worked.

Disorientation

When it was over, I set a follow-up appointment to get the results. The psychologist said I could bring someone in with me if I wanted. My sister was happy to do it. She should have been, since she roped me into it in the first place. So she was there when the psychologist gave me the news: “You tested high for depression in every possible way.”

The world stood still. It was so shocking I didn’t know how to respond. If he had said anything else, like I tested moderate to severe in every possible way, or I tested high in half the ways, I would not have been surprised. But high in every possible way? How was that possible? I only felt mildly depressed. How could I have tested high in every possible way? That would not have been the case with one of those standard online tests. I’m not denigrating them. I’m just saying diagnosing clinical depression as opposed to situational depression is much more involved than that.

As I adjusted to the shock, the next thing I felt was shame. Because I am a Christian.

What Will This Do to My Testimony?

I had struggled mightily with depression in the past. But I always thought it was in specific episodes. I was depressed in college. I was depressed during and after my first year of Divinity School. I was depressed when I turned thirty, and I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be in life. And each time, I said, Jesus delivered me from it.

If you are a Christian, you might have picked up the message that you should be able to overcome depression by faith alone, because Christ is all sufficient. He is all you need for peace of mind. You’ve heard others give that testimony. You wanted it to be your testimony.

Do you see the joy on my face? It’s because of Jesus.

Since I found Jesus, I don’t get the blues.

I can’t be depressed, because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Too blessed to be depressed.

rough looking kitty meme, "When you had a rough day but are trying to stay positive"

For me, all of that went away with my diagnosis. I wanted that testimony to show people what a difference Jesus made in my life. But I also learned long ago that in my relationship with God, honesty is much more important than having “the right testimony.” Honestly, as much as I wanted it, that was never my testimony. But there was still a part of me that thought it should be my testimony.

Here’s what you need to understand. Christ is all-sufficient when it comes to salvation, forgiveness of sins, and eternal life. When we get to heaven, we probably will never be depressed again. But when it comes to life on earth, we will sometimes need help from people, whether it’s warm bodies to carry things when you move, doctors and nurses to bring you back to health from sickness or injury, or mental health professionals to help you diagnose and treat mental illness. Christ is not at all offended if you need help from a professional, whether your illness is physical or mental.

Getting Reoriented

The psychologist explained clinical depression is a condition of the brain. It means my brain does not produce enough natural antidepressants, like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. It’s a natural condition and nothing to be ashamed of. A diabetic has a pancreas that can’t produce insulin. There is no shame in that. It says nothing about that person’s faith or lack thereof. If my brain doesn’t produce normal levels of “happy chemicals” (as I call them), I shouldn’t be ashamed of that either. It can happen to anyone, regardless of what kind of faith they have.

Just like there is treatment for diabetes, there is treatment for clinical depression. That usually starts with antidepressant (AD) medication and counseling. Counseling, I had no problem with. But I had some resistance to medication.

***DISCLAIMER: In the medical field, the effectiveness of AD medication is being seriously questioned. Just keep in mind, any psychotropic drug affects each person differently. My experience might be the same as yours, and it might be totally different. You should never take one without a recommendation from a doctor or mental health professional. And you need to pay attention to how it affects your thoughts and emotions, especially in the first few days or weeks. Before you start taking AD medication, be sure you know what to do if your condition doesn’t improve or gets worse.***

With that disclaimer, I’ll tell you why I took it, and why I’m glad I did.

Medication

Most doctors seem more reluctant to prescribe AD medication today than when I was diagnosed. Part of the reason is recent studies have indicated it is no more effective than a placebo for anything other than severe depression.

Okay, but remember, I had just tested high for depression in every possible way. The diagnosis of clinical depression meant I had been living with depression my whole life and did not even know it. If that is not severe depression, what is? If my diagnosis had not been so extreme, I would not have even considered it. I would more likely have accepted counseling and tried doubling down on faith confessions, positive thinking, motivational messages, and meditating on scripture. I’m not saying those things were not effective for me. They kept me going in some of my worst and darkest moments. But I had been doing all that for almost two decades, and I still tested high in every possible way. That realization took down most of my resistance.

There was also the comparison with the diabetic. He/she needs to take insulin, because their body can’t produce it. If my brain doesn’t make normal levels of “happy chemicals,” taking medication for that is no different.

She Is So Much Nicer Now

This was also where having my sister there was helpful. She knew some things I didn’t. For example, she knew of a relative who had recently started AD medication. “She is so much nicer now,” I said. Oh, and another who was moody and had a volatile temper. “That was depression?” I had never made that connection before with him or myself.

In the past, I had chalked up my own moodiness to “artistic temperament.” But it had never occurred to me that was a sign of depression. This is one way you can be depressed and not know it. You know some of the signs, but not all of them. Like here, I knew I was moody and temperamental, but I didn’t connect that with depression. And seeing how much nicer that one relative was with medication, I thought maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing for me.

Perfectly Timed for College

The psychologist also told me clinical depression usually gets its worst between late-teens and early-twenties. Bang! That was totally true for me. At first, that was connected to a crisis of faith. But even after that crisis was resolved, I still had this malaise I couldn’t shake. It was so hard for me to get motivated for anything back then. I thought it was the work of the devil. Finally, I realized, it was the work of my chemically imbalanced brain.

Furthermore, whenever I had a crisis of faith, depression always accompanied it. So how do you know if this is the situational depression of a dark night of the soul, or clinical depression felt more intensely because you’re wondering, “What the hell is God doing to me?” You don’t without getting tested.

What about “Artistic Temperament”?

I wanted to be a writer. Let’s face it. Some of the greatest writers and artists in history were very moody and temperamental. I can’t diagnose them, but it’s likely most of them had clinical depression or similar mental illness. But is that where their genius came from? Was depression the muse that inspired their work that we still celebrate today? What if they could have taken AD medication so as not to be tormented with those dark thoughts and emotions anymore? Would that have made them less creative?

Many times, depression compelled me to write something. It was therapy before I began therapy. If I lose that, will I lose some of my creativity or my urge to write? Can I really be an artist without the temperament?

The psychologist’s answer was, in effect, yes, I could. Since I started AD medication, I’ve been able to go back to some of those dark places when I needed to without being caught up in the darkness myself. I can write about the insanity I experienced without re-experiencing it. And I still feel the urge to write, even when I don’t feel depressed. In fact, the most depressing thing for me is to go a few days without writing. That’s when I really get moody and temperamental. So if you are a creative or artistic type, I can tell you taking AD medication has not dampened my creativity one bit. In fact, now I have so many ideas, there aren’t enough hours in a day for me to write them all.

One More Tip No One Told Me

So I had the results of the test. I had the beginnings of a plan for recovery. I accepted the diagnosis and agreed to medication. The psychologist recommended a pastoral counselor for me, because I knew I would need help with some of the theological issues I still had. I left with a copy of the report, and my sister and I sat down in a coffee shop to talk more about the implications of all this.

One thing I remember from the conversation was the relationship between depression and anxiety. In addition to depression, I seemed to be more anxious than people around me. My sister said that depression and anxiety were located close to each other in the brain. If you have issues with one, it’s common to have issues with the other. That reminds me of Chris Cornell. He took Ativan for anxiety, but in some of his interviews he also talked about depression. The good news is if you treat one effectively, it often helps the other. That has been true of me, and I wish it had been true for Cornell.

Overall, after adjusting to the shock, it was one of the most enlightening days of my life. My recovery began that day. But there was one thing I wish someone had told me. Don’t read the results of your test. Normally, I’m the type of person who would say, “If you have the test, read it. The more information you have about your condition, the better.” This is an exception. That report was the most depressing thing about myself I have ever read.

You don’t need to read it to know what you need to. Ask the psychologist who tested you about the results, what they mean, and what kind of treatment you need. Don’t throw it away. Keep a copy of it in case you need to make a disability claim. But don’t read it unless for some reason you absolutely have to.

Life after AD Medication

Back in college, I had this voice in my head that was so negative and so condemning, it felt like it came straight out of the pit of Hell. I could cast it out in Jesus’ name. Temporarily. But anytime I failed, or my prayers weren’t answered, the voice returned. And in some ways, I felt I deserved it, because I still didn’t have enough faith (whatever that means). In the Word of Faith, they tell you that voice is a demon or the Devil. And then, it changed from the Devil to Jesus, beating me up for not having “enough faith” to get what I prayed for.

Fortunately, I did learn not to associate that voice with either one of them. I had an incredible Epiphany that drove it away for a couple of years. But eventually, it came back. After a few days on medication, that voice went away for me. I don’t know if there really are such things as demons or Satan, but I do know this. If a pill can make it go away, it’s not a demon. For that matter, it’s not Jesus either. It’s a mental illness.

Here’s another thing that happened. I used to think I had ups and downs like everyone else. I could be happy or sad, stressed or at peace, friendly or misanthropic. But even when I was happy, there was this underlying sadness I couldn’t get rid of. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, even among friends. I thought it was normal, because that was how my brain worked. When I started AD medication, those feelings finally went away. From that, I learned that however your brain works, you will think it’s normal because everything about your experience is processed through your brain. If your brain is naturally tilted toward depression, it will color all your experience with that brush. That was why I didn’t recognize it as depression except when it got really bad.

Takeaways

That leads into my fifth principle for recovery: Never believe a chemically imbalanced brain, even if it is your own. I will dive into that in my next post. Until then, here are your takeaways.

  1. Situational depression is much easier to recognize than clinical depression. Situational depression is about how you feel. Clinical depression is a medical condition.
  2. Because they are different, the testing for each is different.
  3. Testing for depression is only one part of a process to determine if you need treatment for depression or something else.
  4. If your family and friends think you are sad or depressed even when you don’t, you should seriously consider testing for clinical depression.
  5. Sadness and lack of motivation are not the only signs of depression. Anger, moodiness, and a quick, extreme temper are also signs.
  6. Like any medical condition, clinical depression has nothing to do with faith or the lack thereof. Don’t believe anyone who tells you faith should be all you need to treat it.
  7. AD medication is normally for severe or clinical depression. Research has not confirmed effectiveness for less severe kinds of depression.
  8. If you have severe depression, it’s no sin to try AD medication.
  9. Like other psychotropic drugs, AD medications affect everyone differently. Before you take it, make sure you know what to do if your depression gets worse after taking it.
  10. You do not have to read the results of your test. Just follow the advice of the one who tested you, and you’ll be on your way to recovery.

Grace and Peace to you.

P.S. I’ve talked about how my sister and mother encouraged me to get tested. You might be wondering about my father. He recently confessed to me that he thought I had problems with depression too, but he did not know how to talk to me about it. So it’s official. Everyone in my family knew I was depressed before I did (see Takeaway #4). But that in a nutshell is why I’m writing these posts and why I wrote my book Dark Nights of the Soul: Reflections on Faith and the Depressed Brain. I’m sharing what my clinical depression looked like as best I can, in the hopes that A) someone undiagnosed will see themselves in it and be prompted to get help, or B) someone who cares for a depressed person can use it to help share their concerns.

References

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-tests#1

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/default.htm

Alternatives to Anti-Depressant Medication

https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/alternative-therapies-depression#1

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/natural-cures-for-depression_n_7502392

My Third Principle for Recovery, Part 2

My third principle for recovery says some kinds of faith are good for recovery and some are bad. In my previous post, I talked about the Word of Faith and why it was bad for my recovery. Here is an example of what I mean.

It Was (Not) All Up to Me

When I was young I had an uncle with a terminal illness. Of course, I prayed for him. But when I got into the Word of Faith, it changed how I prayed, because they taught, “Believe and receive your healing.” Okay, it’s not my healing in this case, but it’s my uncle’s healing. But they had me thinking if my faith is strong enough, or if his faith is strong enough, he can be healed. Even though doctors say, “There is no cure,” I am following the lead of my televangelist preachers who say, “Oh yes, there’s a cure, faith in Jesus Christ.”

I tried telling him, and he didn’t buy into it. I tried telling other family members. They didn’t buy into it. I was the only one who bought into it. So if it was going to happen, it had to happen through my faith.

And so I prayed. I prayed sometimes for hours on end. I fasted and prayed to make it happen at times, and that really freaked my family out. “Wait a minute! You’re going to not eat?” for however long I was going to do it. They really thought I’d gone off the deep end there. And they were a lot closer to the truth than I was at the time, I have to admit now. Not that there’s anything wrong with fasting, but me thinking I could break the power of Satan over my uncle with it? Guess where I learned that. No, it didn’t work.

And so, eventually, when he died, my family—even though they were sad—accepted it as the natural outcome of his disease. Because I thought my faith was supposed to change it, this was a victory of Satan over me. More specifically, it was a victory of Satan over my faith. That was a lot of pressure to live under. Understand, this is all speaking from the perspective of my Word of Faith background. This is the harm that can come from this particular understanding of faith.

Word of Faith vs. Real Faith

If Christian faith is important to you, as it was and still is to me, it’s important to have a sound biblical definition of faith. Those who preach the Word of Faith message claim faith is something you use to receive what you want from God. Whatever you pray for, believe you receive, and you will have it. Mark 11:22-24. And when it comes to sickness and poverty, this is the work of the devil. The devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10. Abundant life isn’t sickness and poverty. Abundant life is health and wealth. So you can overcome any sickness and financial struggle with nothing but faith. When I bought into this, I didn’t even know I was living with clinical depression. So when it didn’t work, the depression and feeling of betrayal was probably worse than most because of it.

What saved me was something I first heard from my religion professor in college. She taught that a true biblical understanding of faith is not about trying to convince yourself to believe something you just know is not true. It’s not about believing all the right doctrines. If they respond to normal questions anyone with a brain might ask with, “Just believe,” or “Just take it on faith,” or “That’s faith. You shouldn’t ask questions about that,” or anything like that, that’s a bad faith for recovery.

And faith certainly is not about thinking you can make God do what you want if you believe. The primary understanding of faith throughout most of the Bible is a trusting relationship with God.

Faith Is Trust and Relationship

Those two words are really important, trust and relationship. It’s something you build, over time. One analogy I could make is, when my wife and I were seeing each other, I was the first one to say I love you. It took her some time to say it back to me. And I understood that, because of past experiences, it was difficult for her to trust, not just me, but any man that she would be in a relationship with at the time. It was going to take time in our relationship to build the trust where she could say it.

The same was true when I wanted to propose marriage to her. I brought up the subject, and it’s a good thing I did before buying a ring and presenting it to her, because at the time she just wasn’t ready. It was going to take time in relationship together for her to get her trust to where, if I asked her to marry me, she would be able to say yes. And that really is what faith is like. You are building a relationship with God. You may have difficulty, at first, trusting. And along the way, you are going to experience some doubts. I suppose, maybe you can over time have so much trust that you have no more doubts. Theoretically, I guess it’s possible, even though I haven’t got there myself.

But what is more important in a relationship, having no doubts, or being able to talk about those doubts honestly? You can talk about it with God. In fact, over the years, I’ve learned honesty is much more important to a healthy relationship with God than belief. You can be honest with God. I would also seek out someone who you can talk to about doubts and issues that come up. They’ve probably had the same questions and issues come up on their journey. The most helpful people are usually those who have “been there,” so look for a mentor, someone with genuineness in their relationship with God.

Believe, and You Will Receive (Maybe)

Another thing to notice is if they talk about faith as if you should be able to control everything in your life, that’s a bad faith for recovery. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they have a certain prayer they’ve made famous, and others have latched on to. It’s called the Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When I tried to help my uncle “believe and receive” his “promise of healing,” I nearly robbed him of the peace of mind that came from him being reconciled to God and being at peace with himself. Thank God there was a minister in his life who was able to counsel him with wisdom. Because he had the wisdom to know what we could control, and what we could not, my uncle knew serenity in his last days.

He prayed things like, “Lord, we lift up _______ before you and ask that you heal him. However, if it is not within your will to heal his physical illness, then heal him in other ways. Surround him with your presence and comfort him. Grant him the peace of Christ that passes all understanding. Give him assurance that you love him. And if this is the sickness unto death, receive him into your eternal kingdom.”

There is a lot of wisdom in the way he prayed. It was the perfect balance of what we can control and what we can’t. He asked God to heal him of his physical illness but did not make any claim that God was somehow obligated to do it because of this or that Bible verse. And I should point out before he used the phrase “sickness unto death,” he had already had conversations about the possibility of death and what it meant to my uncle.

Almost everyone, when they near the end of life, needs more than physical healing. They need to be made whole in their mind, in their soul, in coming to terms with end of their lives in this world. And if they believe in God, they may have questions about the state of that relationship that need to be answered. Like I said, a lot of wisdom, but I did not fully embrace it at the time.

Do Not Pray “If it be thy will”

In the Word of Faith, they tell you not to pray, “If it is Your will” when God has already promised healing in the Bible. So when he prayed that, inwardly, I rebelled. I thought that just guarantees he won’t be healed. 1) If it’s a promise in the Bible, you don’t pray “If it be thy will.” God wouldn’t have promised it if it wasn’t God’s will. 2) You are already expressing doubt in your healing when you say that. So it was up to me to keep praying for him “according to the Word.” I thought the outcome of his illness was under my control, and accepting death was surrendering to Satan.

Hopefully by now, you understand I don’t accept that definition of faith anymore. I’m probably going to have to write a book on all the ways the Word of Faith messed me up. Again, I say, thank God that minister was there to model a truly biblical and Godly faith for my uncle. He was able to die at peace with himself and at peace with God. And even then, I knew that was really more important than curing his disease.

From Faith to Faith

One lesson in this is any kind of faith that tells you, you are supposed to control things you cannot control is bad for recovery. You need to stay away from that. You need the kind of faith that teaches wisdom to know the difference between what you can control, and what you cannot. You need the kind of faith that doesn’t beat you up for not having “enough faith,” whatever that means.

And something I found through all this is when you do read the Bible in context, it teaches a kind of faith that is good for recovery. I’m talking about the kind of faith my professor taught me, the kind my uncle’s minister showed, because it’s good at teaching the wisdom between what you can control, and what you can’t. But again, only when it’s read in context. So that’s what I want to leave you with. Faith that is good for recovery shows itself in serenity, courage, wisdom, and peace. So I invite you to make this prayer a part of your recovery.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know that difference.

-The Serenity Prayer

Grace and peace to you.

My Third Principle for Recovery

Does faith help or hurt recovery? In my experience, it depends what kind of faith. In most religions, I would say there three possible meanings of faith.

  1. Faith as a set of rituals and doctrines accepted by members of a particular religious order. For example, if someone asks, “What faith are you?” it’s like asking, “What religion are you?” And you could answer, “I’m of the Catholic faith,” or “the Presbyterian faith,” or “the Jewish faith,” or whatever.
  2. Faith as belief. The Apostle’s Creed, for example, has many statements about what Christians believe. Those beliefs we usually say we accept by faith.
  3. Faith as trust. If someone says, “I believe in God,” that usually means they believe God exists and would be the second kind of faith. If someone says, “I have faith in God,” that is usually more personal. That person claims to have a relationship with God built on trust. This kind of faith doesn’t have to be religious. You can faith in your family, a mentor, a friend, a program like AA, anyone or anything you think is trustworthy.

When you encounter the word faith in the Bible, or you hear people talk about faith in church or synagogue, it could mean any of these. Usually, you have to infer the meaning through context. For example, Genesis 15:6 says of Abraham,

And he believed the LORD; and the LORD reckoned it to him as righteousness.

(Gen 15:6 NRS)

When it says Abraham “believed” God, what kind of faith is it talking about? Not the first. There were no temples or organized religion about the God called “the LORD” at that time. Is it the second, belief? God had just promised him his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in heaven (Gen 15:5). He believed that promise, so it could be belief. God said it, and he believed it. But the Hebrew word for “believe” in verse six can also mean “trust.” Maybe the point is not Abraham’s belief itself. Maybe it was trusting God, believing the one who promised was trustworthy, and the LORD reckoned it to him as righteousness.

Faith and the Third Principle

I’m talking about this because my third principle is: Some kinds of faith are good for recovery, and some are bad. Make sure you know the difference.

So of the three, which is best for recovery? Number three. Lesson’s over. You can go home.

Sorry, I wish it was that simple. Any of them can help with recovery.

Regarding the first kind of faith, if you are part of a church, synagogue, or other organized religion, you can probably gauge whether it helps or hurts your depression. How do you normally feel when you leave the service? Uplifted or beat up? I’ve experienced both. If it’s the former, it’s good. If it’s the latter, it’s bad.

Regarding the second, if you believe in the tenets of a religion, it can be a comfort. I can sometimes calm myself by repeating the Lord’s Prayer or the Apostles’ Creed. On the other hand, feeling pressured to believe something you don’t is likely to make you more depressed. But ideally, one and two should lead you to three.

The third, a trusting relationship with your higher power (whatever that means to you), I think, is essential to recovery. However, trust in a higher power, just like in a person, does not happen automatically. It takes time and experience. And like recovery, it is mostly one day at a time. But any of these three meanings could legitimately be called faith. Each of them plays a different role in the life of a believer, but number 3 is the one I have found most helpful.

Another Kind of Faith?

There is one more type of faith that seems to be uniquely American, and I don’t mean that in a good way. I say that because most preachers of this kind of faith historically began in America. It is no longer unique to America, but even most of those who are from other countries learned it from Americans. I would advise you to avoid it altogether.

When I was involved in it, it was often called the Word of Faith or Full Gospel movement. Some other names I’ve heard are “Health and Wealth,” and “Prosperity Gospel.” Unless it is a local church broadcast, this is the version of faith you usually see preached on television. They own the Christian networks, and the biggest names have audiences in the millions.

This type of faith says, If you believe something enough and do not doubt, your faith becomes some magic force you can use to coerce God to give you whatever you ask for, as long as you can find a passage in the Bible that promises what you want. You stand on that promise until God gives it to you. And you don’t take “No” for an answer.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb 11:1 KJV) is one of the most popular verses for explaining this. Faith is what makes the unseen seen. When you hope for something, it is not seen yet. But faith (belief) will make it manifest. And so basically, this says God is under your control.

But before you buy into this, you need to ask, “Did God really promise this? Did God promise health, wealth, victory and success in everything I do?” The Word of Faith preachers say yes, and they have a whole litany of scriptures about how you will be healed and prosperous and victorious in every situation—if your faith is strong enough. They quote all these Bible verses that sound like that’s exactly what God promised every believer. On the surface, it looks like trust, because you are taking God “at his word.” That is, if God promised it in the Bible, they believe it. That means they trust God, because they know God is not a liar.

“(I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden,” by Lynn Anderson

Did God Promise That?

But what if God never promised you that? Would you still trust God? See, I was in the Word of Faith for a long time, over a decade probably. When I prayed, I would have my verses lined up, and I prayed, and I believed, and I received the way they taught, and it never manifested. I thought it was my fault, because I didn’t have enough faith, or I had too much doubt for it to happen.

But faith that is trust recognizes God is in control, not you. You can’t use faith to force God to give you what you want just because you quote some Bible verses around it. God may answer you like the leper who came to Jesus and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” And Jesus said, “I am willing. Be clean” (Mat 8:2-3).

But we don’t always get our prayers answered like that. And so, if you’re in a model of faith that says God promised this to you, it feels like a betrayal if you don’t get it. But if you understand God never promised that specifically to you, you can still pray and ask God, and trust that God hears you.

But not all of us get our prayers answered like that. And so, if you’re in a model of faith that says God promised this to you, it feels like a betrayal if you don’t get it. But if you understand God never promised that specifically to you, you can still pray and ask God and trust that God hears you.

And this is the boldness we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

(1Jo 5:14 NRS)

But there’s the rub. If we ask according to his will, God hears us. “If you are willing, you can make me clean,” said the leper. That’s the model of faith the church has taught from Jesus to the apostles to the saints of the last 2000 years to today. It is the most authentically biblical model of faith. It has been practiced in both Judaism and Christianity from their origins, and it is the essence of AA’s third step, which says surrender your will and life to the care of your higher power.

Promises. Promises.

The Word of Faith does not belong to any legitimate, Biblical understanding of faith I outlined above. Of course, I understand why it’s so popular. I practiced it for over a decade. I was a true believer in that model of faith. The problem is, they don’t read the Bible in context. If you don’t read it in context, you can find promises of health, wealth, success, or whatever you want. If you can find it in the Bible, God has to give it to you. God has no choice. And if you can make the Bible say anything you want and then use that to make God give you whatever you want or do whatever you want, then wow! Suddenly, you’re like the young John Connor in Terminator 2.

“My own terminator? You have to do what I say? Cool!”

You have access to power most people can only dream of. All you have to do is believe what the Bible says. You literally have the keys to the Kingdom, on earth and in heaven, right there in your Bible. Who wouldn’t want that? I saw the appeal, and I went for it.

When the Other Shoe to Drops

Unfortunately, all those promises of health, wealth, and success were taken out of context. I learned that the hard way, but thank God I learned. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that when you read the Bible in context, there are only two things God promises to you and me personally: forgiveness for our sins, and he will be all with us always (as in eternal life). That’s it. Those are the only things the Bible promises to you or me as individual believers.

I think this is why people get fooled. It’s not just about people reading or not reading their Bibles. I read my Bible daily, and I still got fooled. The problem is most people don’t know how to read the Bible in context. So when they say God promised you things that God never promised to you as an individual believer, you don’t know they are taking it out of context. The result is they misrepresent God and set you up for disappointment. I lived with that disappointment long enough. I can tell you, it is no fun.

Faith in Magic or Faith in God?

The way I see it, if you want to live a life of faith, you have to choose between two types of faith. Will you choose the faith that trusts God’s promises of forgiveness and restored relationship with God? Trust in the promise that God will be with you always? Faith that trusts that God loves you and desires ultimately for your good, even if you don’t understand how your current circumstances have anything to do with your good? Faith that acknowledges God is in control, not you?

Or will you choose faith as a “substance” that claims if you know how to use it, God will have no choice but to give you the desires of your heart? Which one will you choose? Faith as trust, or faith as magic? I chose the latter, and it almost ruined me. Because over and over again, I kept trying to force God to fulfill promises that God never made. Trust me, that is a losing game no matter how many aces you have up your sleeve.

So when I talk about faith that is good for recovery, I mean a trusting relationship with God, or your higher power if you prefer. This is the kind of faith Jesus taught, his Apostles taught, and the church has taught for the last 2000 years. Yes, that tired, old, dead tradition (as Word of Faith preachers call it) is what taught me what true faith is. And really, full disclosure, if I had received the miracles and healings and wealth they promised, I’d still be in the Word of Faith camp. But when that didn’t come, I almost lost my faith. Actually, I did lose my faith. I lost my faith in magic and found my faith in God.

What Kind of Faith Is Good for Recovery?

I don’t know where you are on your journey. Maybe you want to believe in something but don’t know what it is. If so, that’s not a bad place to be. Your search could lead you to your higher power, one that is worthy of your trust.

Maybe you’re in a good traditional faith, but you’ve encountered this magic faith, and those promises of health, wealth, and success are tempting you. Maybe you’re already in the magic faith like I was, and it’s not working for you, and you think it’s your fault. It’s not. It’s not your fault that it’s not working. It has nothing to do with whether you have “enough faith” or not, because God is in control, not you. The only thing you did wrong was believe people who preached a different gospel. That is the only thing you did wrong, and you can stop following them at any time.

You can come to faith as trusting God, trust that God loves you, trust that your sins are forgiven, because while we were yet sinners Christ died for us (Rom 5:8). Trust that God ultimately is working for your good. I have been in that kind of faith for a while, and ironically, this is not the faith that promised me healing. But I have experienced healing here, healing that never would have been possible if I had continued to believe I could control God with my “faith.”

My third principle of recovery says, Some kinds of faith are good for recovery, and some are bad. Make sure you know the difference.

Here are some questions to ask before you apply any type of faith to your recovery.

  1. Is it about faith in God or faith in faith?
  2. Is faith about making God give you what you want, or is faith about acknowledging God is in control?
  3. Do they only talk about success and victory, as if no one who has faith ever fails at anything, is poor, or gets sick?
  4. Is the Bible like a magic spell book to them, as if it will give you anything you ask, if you quote the right verse?
  5. How do they explain when it doesn’t work? Is it always your fault?
  6. Do they talk about “believing God for something,” as opposed to believing in God?
  7. Is there any room for reasonable doubt, or do you have to believe everything they say, no questions asked, even if you know it’s not true?

Trusting God doesn’t mean you never have doubts or questions. It means you trust God loves you and will never leave you or forsake you in spite of your doubts and questions. It doesn’t mean you expect God to stop anything bad from happening to you. It means in the midst of trials and tribulations, you trust God is with you and will work this for your good, as Paul said in Romans.

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

(Rom 8:28 NRS)

That is the only kind of faith I have found to be sustainable, healthy, and good for recovery.

Grace and peace to you.